An article I read today about What a woman's last name means. Yes, it is from offbeatbride.com and, as a woman who spend her entire childhood dreaming of Prince Charming, I love the illusion of the happily-ever-after that weddings seem to generate. What has been dubbed today as "bridal porn" has been a guilty pleasure of mine for years. I love... love! I love watching my friends fall in love and watching them get married because they're so happy, at least for the moment. It infuriates me that there is an entire industry that exploits this amazing celebration and now we have shows on TLC where it's more about the dress than the ceremony, much less the poor groom who has been shoved aside and turned into a prop in the bride's fantasy of HER perfect day. But I'm getting off topic. That's a post for another time.
For the last four years, since Randolph-Macon became simply Randolph College, I have struggled with my identity as a woman. I want to be strong, independent, and fierce. I don't want to be branded as a raging, angry feminazi lesbian who doesn't shave her armpits. I want to embrace the joys and comforts of being in a loving relationship. I don't want to be perceived as weak and needy. I've already been accused of needing a man to feel complete, I would like to avoid that in the future. Attempting to strike this balance at all has been tough. I will admit, I've been alone with a guy before and have gone beyond my sexual comfort zone (my brain screaming, "GET OUT, GO HOME NOW!") because I did not want to be perceived as a tease. As one ex once told me, "You have to finish what you started."
At the moment I am somewhere in the middle of the question of my identity. I value my freedom and independence but every day I struggle with the notion that I am NOT an island, that I need the support and love the people in my life provide. I hate opening up to my friends because I don't want to be an emotional burden, and besides, that's not what Independent Women do. Independent Women don't rely on their friends or significant others for affirmation and emotional support, don't rely on them for financial support, and have outgrown their need to rely on their family for any support whatsoever. Yet I do - I enjoy the affirmation and emotional support my significant other provides and am still dependent on my parents to provide everything for me - food, transportation, clothing, all of it! I feel guilty that I am not the Independent Woman Randolph-Macon groomed me to be and I can't stand myself for it.
On the other hand, I don't want to be the island that is typical to my idea of an Independent Woman. By opening up and venting my emotions, I know I create a healthier atmosphere for necessary relationships to grow. When I try to be an Independent Woman, I feel distant, cold, and cynical. When I try to be someone who is nurturing, kind, and giving I feel like I wind up getting trampled on.
Examples: My last year in college I began dating an old friend that I cared about very much, but I was very driven to succeed in my career. For that, I pushed him away but doing so left me feeling like a cold, Amazonian. Later I moved to DC to pursue my career. While I was there, I was bombarded by homeless men and women asking me for money, food, even a place to spend the night. One man I gave forty dollars to get back to his family stranded on the highway. He left telling me I was an angel, but in the end I felt like I had been used and duped.
So where, exactly is the happy medium? How do I embrace my femininity and the fact that I know I need the affirmation I get when my significant other tells me I'm drop-dead gorgeous while still retaining my independence? How do I balance these two facets of my identity?
This brings me back to the article I mentioned earlier. According to the study, women in the EU who take their husband's last name are perceived as less independent, intelligent, and ambitious but more emotional and caring. Meanwhile, women who keep their last name are perceived as the exact opposite: independent, intelligent, and ambitious, but distant and cold. The study goes so far as to say that women who take their husband's last name earn less than women who don't. It frustrates me.
At the moment, I'm in a place where I'm deeply in love with a man that I would be proud to marry. I'd even be happy to take his last name, because his simple English last name is far harder to mess up than my North German last name with all the weird vowel pronunciations. Do I plan on playing perfect housewife if/when we get married? No - he knows I can't cook to save my life (that's his job) and how highly I value my education and my career. But I don't plan on wearing the pants in the relationship, either. I love and respect him too much to turn him into one of those little mousey men who spend their married lives getting trampled by their wives.
I suppose in the end I'm raising a cry for balance. I know men and women are different, we have different strengths and weaknesses, but respect among the sexes shouldn't vary. What does a person's last name matter? It only tells you where a person's coming from, not where they're going.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
The Good Men Project Magazine
A little bit of background.
I attended undergrad at Randolph College, founded as Randolph-Macon Women's College, from 2005 to 2009. My first year, the college was a women's college that strove to mold young girls into brave, mature, intelligent women who could go toe-to-toe with their male counterparts in every field, from music to political science to biology. By my sophomore year, the Board of Trustee's decided to transform the women's college to a co-ed school, a decision that the students fought as much as possible with class strikes and coalitions, but lost in the end. The first co-ed class came to Randolph in the fall of 2007.
I will admit now, since this will come up later, Randolph(-Macon) had a large impact on how I identify myself as a woman, and that identity sometimes seems nebulous. I want to be an empowered woman - I don't want to be branded as a raging lesbian feminazi (and it's sad how often women's college graduates have to disabuse people of that very notion). But that's a different post all together. For now, I just wanted to link up to The Good Men Project Magazine. A friend of mine posted a link to this article on her facebook and it sparked my interest. Hugo Schwyzer, a professor and an activist, writes about SlutWalk, a campaign started in Canada in response to a police officer's remark that if women didn't want to be raped, they shouldn't dress like sluts. Schwyzer's comment that "[he has] come to believe that there’s one lie that’s bigger than any other we tell about men: we cannot reconcile our arousal and our compassion. In other words, the lie says we can’t truly respect what we also desire." struck a chord with me. It's refreshing to see a man, any man, stand up for women's basic rights to be respected as a human being, rather than an object or an archetype that must be revered or feared.
Further information on SlutWalk can be found here. Take a look and read the stories. Satellite walks have been going on for weeks since the original SlutWalk in Toronto. If there's one near you, I urge you to join in.
I ventured to read another article entitled "What Women Don't Tell You". It sounded like yet another vapid Cosmo/Glamor/Marie Claire article on How to Have Better Sex NOW, but I was honestly surprised by how well thought-out the content was. Writer Amanda Marcotte starts the article by stating that women are taught from birth to coddle the male ego, especially in bed, and because of this they often don't speak up if their sexual needs aren't being met. To put it bluntly - I am that girl. Outspoken in public, but I have a unfortunate tendency to get lock jaw when it comes to having a relationship with the opposite sex. Working on it.
In short, The Good Men Project is definitely worth adding it to your bookmarks.
Plenty more to come in the next few weeks. More on gender and feminism, much more on identity, and far more on religion.
I attended undergrad at Randolph College, founded as Randolph-Macon Women's College, from 2005 to 2009. My first year, the college was a women's college that strove to mold young girls into brave, mature, intelligent women who could go toe-to-toe with their male counterparts in every field, from music to political science to biology. By my sophomore year, the Board of Trustee's decided to transform the women's college to a co-ed school, a decision that the students fought as much as possible with class strikes and coalitions, but lost in the end. The first co-ed class came to Randolph in the fall of 2007.
I will admit now, since this will come up later, Randolph(-Macon) had a large impact on how I identify myself as a woman, and that identity sometimes seems nebulous. I want to be an empowered woman - I don't want to be branded as a raging lesbian feminazi (and it's sad how often women's college graduates have to disabuse people of that very notion). But that's a different post all together. For now, I just wanted to link up to The Good Men Project Magazine. A friend of mine posted a link to this article on her facebook and it sparked my interest. Hugo Schwyzer, a professor and an activist, writes about SlutWalk, a campaign started in Canada in response to a police officer's remark that if women didn't want to be raped, they shouldn't dress like sluts. Schwyzer's comment that "[he has] come to believe that there’s one lie that’s bigger than any other we tell about men: we cannot reconcile our arousal and our compassion. In other words, the lie says we can’t truly respect what we also desire." struck a chord with me. It's refreshing to see a man, any man, stand up for women's basic rights to be respected as a human being, rather than an object or an archetype that must be revered or feared.
Further information on SlutWalk can be found here. Take a look and read the stories. Satellite walks have been going on for weeks since the original SlutWalk in Toronto. If there's one near you, I urge you to join in.
I ventured to read another article entitled "What Women Don't Tell You". It sounded like yet another vapid Cosmo/Glamor/Marie Claire article on How to Have Better Sex NOW, but I was honestly surprised by how well thought-out the content was. Writer Amanda Marcotte starts the article by stating that women are taught from birth to coddle the male ego, especially in bed, and because of this they often don't speak up if their sexual needs aren't being met. To put it bluntly - I am that girl. Outspoken in public, but I have a unfortunate tendency to get lock jaw when it comes to having a relationship with the opposite sex. Working on it.
In short, The Good Men Project is definitely worth adding it to your bookmarks.
Plenty more to come in the next few weeks. More on gender and feminism, much more on identity, and far more on religion.
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