The Independent Woman

An article I read today about What a woman's last name means.  Yes, it is from offbeatbride.com and, as a woman who spend her entire childhood dreaming of Prince Charming, I love the illusion of the happily-ever-after that weddings seem to generate.  What has been dubbed today as "bridal porn" has been a guilty pleasure of mine for years.  I love... love!  I love watching my friends fall in love and watching them get married because they're so happy, at least for the moment.  It infuriates me that there is an entire industry that exploits this amazing celebration and now we have shows on TLC where it's more about the dress than the ceremony, much less the poor groom who has been shoved aside and turned into a prop in the bride's fantasy of HER perfect day.  But I'm getting off topic.  That's a post for another time.

For the last four years, since Randolph-Macon became simply Randolph College, I have struggled with my identity as a woman.  I want to be strong, independent, and fierce.  I don't want to be branded as a raging, angry feminazi lesbian who doesn't shave her armpits.  I want to embrace the joys and comforts of being in a loving relationship.  I don't want to be perceived as weak and needy.  I've already been accused of needing a man to feel complete, I would like to avoid that in the future.  Attempting to strike this balance at all has been tough.  I will admit, I've been alone with a guy before and have gone beyond my sexual comfort zone (my brain screaming, "GET OUT, GO HOME NOW!") because I did not want to be perceived as a tease.  As one ex once told me, "You have to finish what you started."

At the moment I am somewhere in the middle of the question of my identity.  I value my freedom and independence but every day I struggle with the notion that I am NOT an island, that I need the support and love the people in my life provide.  I hate opening up to my friends because I don't want to be an emotional burden, and besides, that's not what Independent Women do.  Independent Women don't rely on their friends or significant others for affirmation and emotional support, don't rely on them for financial support, and have outgrown their need to rely on their family for any support whatsoever.  Yet I  do - I enjoy the affirmation and emotional support my significant other provides and am still dependent on my parents to provide everything for me - food, transportation, clothing, all of it!  I feel guilty that I am not the Independent Woman Randolph-Macon groomed me to be and I can't stand myself for it.
On the other hand, I don't want to be the island that is typical to my idea of an Independent Woman.  By opening up and venting my emotions, I know I create a healthier atmosphere for necessary relationships to grow.  When I try to be an Independent Woman, I feel distant, cold, and cynical.  When I try to be someone who is nurturing, kind, and giving I feel like I wind up getting trampled on.
Examples: My last year in college I began dating an old friend that I cared about very much, but I was very driven to succeed in my career.  For that, I pushed him away but doing so left me feeling like a cold, Amazonian.  Later I moved to DC to pursue my career.  While I was there, I was bombarded by homeless men and women asking me for money, food, even a place to spend the night.  One man I gave forty dollars to get back to his family stranded on the highway.  He left telling me I was an angel, but in the end I felt like I had been used and duped.
So where, exactly is the happy medium?  How do I embrace my femininity and the fact that I know I need the affirmation I get when my significant other tells me I'm drop-dead gorgeous while still retaining my independence?  How do I balance these two facets of my identity?

This brings me back to the article I mentioned earlier.  According to the study, women in the EU who take their husband's last name are perceived as less independent, intelligent, and ambitious but more emotional and caring.  Meanwhile, women who keep their last name are perceived as the exact opposite: independent, intelligent, and ambitious, but distant and cold.  The study goes so far as to say that women who take their husband's last name earn less than women who don't.  It frustrates me.
At the moment, I'm in a place where I'm deeply in love with a man that I would be proud to marry.  I'd even be happy to take his last name, because his simple English last name is far harder to mess up than my North German last name with all the weird vowel pronunciations.  Do I plan on playing perfect housewife if/when we get married?  No - he knows I can't cook to save my life (that's his job) and how highly I value my education and my career.  But I don't plan on wearing the pants in the relationship, either.  I love and respect him too much to turn him into one of those little mousey men who spend their married lives getting trampled by their wives.

I suppose in the end I'm raising a cry for balance.  I know men and women are different, we have different strengths and weaknesses, but respect among the sexes shouldn't vary.  What does a person's last name matter?  It only tells you where a person's coming from, not where they're going.